I have a few choices as for today’s comments. On Being Happy or maybe being adrift... A friend I’d met through e-harmony asked yesterday whether I was happy with things after I told her that I was communicating with a former love again. It was more than a bit of a straw man discussion, given my admitted frustrations. And as much as she said she was just asking because of her concern as a friend, our prior association compelled me to temper her comments as being slightly less than objective. Funny thing was, because of her intensity and line of questioning, I felt that I then knew how the former love must feel when I ask my “pointed” questions. Truth is that the need to keep things in a more “friends” mode with my former love tends to deaden the emotional connection, and I’m sorely aware that that isn’t good for me and my need for a meaningful connection.

So, on the one hand my friend has no idea of what I’ve been through and how hard I’ve tried to rise above my own limitations. But then that kind’a proves her point that I deserve more. Ha! My first thought is that we all deserve more. And right now I’m just trying to see my former love through the next step in her journey. I have no assurances and I’m just trying to do the right thing. So, am I happy? No, but it’d be a bit stupid to expect to be happy with my best-friend going through a painful divorce. I’m hopeful that things will be better for her as she gets more and more control of her own life. Do I expect to be there? I can’t answer that because there’s no saying what will happen in the next few weeks or months.

I mean, I think I survived the first few moments of my own separation and divorce almost twenty-years ago because I found someone else that I wanted to be with and that helped propel me forward (alas, that turned into an emotional disaster for me, but that’s another story). Apparently things are different most likely ’cause of the years involved and the kids involved. Hopefully it’ll make her transition more successful, but it’s difficult to always be somewhere not a part of her real life. But i’ve been in this position for so long… I don’t know that I’d adjust too well to a full-time relationship anyway. What is this “fulltime” relationship that you speak of?

When I whined a couple weeks ago about our non-relationship I complained that as much as I mean something to her, I feel like less-than-a friend because of my not being a part of her real life, at the same time acknowledging that she’s not ready to have someone (moi) suddenly move in and replace Bozo-head. So she asked me what that looked like (smart girl, looking for something concrete). I said that I’d just like to be able to go to church with her on the Sunday nights that she’s free and have her feel free to introduce me to her friends (as I had introduced her to my friends who happened to be at her church the few times I’ve been there). It’s not realistic to expect it “all.” But I’d like to just have something more “normal” (whatever the hell that is). I know that something’s gotta give, regardless of who’s happy or not. ack. Jbb

p.s., I know that it’s difficult for many (or most) of my friends to understand why I persist in this relationship. And it’s easy for someone, like my e-harmony friend, to assume that it has something to do with the challenge of unavailability or the whole “love the ones who mistreat you” thing. That’s not it at all and unfortunately because I tend to work through the difficult stuff through my writing, it’s easy to assume that it’s all bad. There’s a hell of a lot here that I haven’t written down simply because when I’m content I’m spending my time with her, or maybe playing my guitar or just generally not writing about it. That’s not to say that this has not been the most difficult, heartrending journey I’ve ever been on. But if one wants to know great love one must be willing to endure great travail. Blessing or curse, I’ve known unimaginable depths of human passion and connection through my friendship, struggles and joys in connection with this very special person’s life. Though I would that the struggles had been much shorter or less painful, I wouldn’t exchange any of it, if it meant that I couldn’t be there or be a part of seeing this special, beautiful person reclaim her life and not live under the limitations of someone else’s vision of the way “it’s supposed to be.” Jbb (7-1-2006)