I need to write. A lot has gone unspoken, mostly because I haven’t done a very good job managing my time. Blah, blah, blah…

I’ve been sustaining myself via my almost daily listening to J. Vernon McGee’s Thru the Bible Radio biblestudy. Lots of good stuff, but, for me, it doesn’t seem to be doing it as far as maintaining my walk. Damn.

Add to that I’ve been having some “issues” as McGee has been working through the Old Testament books of Exodus and Leviticus. It’s been many, many years since I’ve personally read through the passages. I mean, in the four years since renewing my connection with my faith I’ve yet to wake up thinking “I need to read Leviticus today.” Anyway, my issue is that McGee’s approach to the Old Testament is so tied to the New Testament that one might wonder if the Old Testament books can stand on there own at all. I’m not arguing whether the tabernacle and it items point to Christ and his ministry but there has to be an understanding of these passages that would have made sense to the contemporary Israelite trying to make it to the promise land.

Other issue I’m having is the belief that every product of humankind is an expression of sin, that there is nothing good in humanity. Ironically, I do seem to be on the low end of my walk, having separated myself from my prior church a bit more than a month ago, I don’t know, I’m feeling the “scumminess” of having been “gone” too long, but I’m not particularly motivated by the idea that nothing I might do matters or is sinful. If I felt that that would be the sum total of my life, it would be impossible to get out of bed in the morning. I know that a corner was turned in my life because I saw a glimpse of redeeming love, love that was open to me regardless of my worthiness or unworthiness.

1/7/07 11:38 am
I know what it is, it’s being in a constant state of anxiety about life. It’s the overwhelming sense of never measuring up, of always being a disappointment. If I’m such a horrendous waste of skin because of my imperfect human nature why does God even bother? Yes, He did it because He loves us… then what? I cannot escape my own humanity though He reaches down to lend me His hand. Isn’t my end of the effort ruined because I am what I am, a sinful, imperfect human being? That’s the sense that I continually get, especially when my beloved J. Vernon is cruising through the Old Testament. Maybe this is an act of rebellion in and of itself, but I have to believe that there has to be some value to my life that doesn’t begin and end because He loves me. There has to be something in the passion that drives me that matters and is worth spending the energy on. For myself I know that I have been given far too much to believe that everything I do is worthless bullshit except those things directly devoted to Him. JBB