So I prayed for a miracle and poured out my heart and I think I got an unexpected miracle. I figured that if 21 days goes with no news from my beloved than it was truly dead. But as I teased in my last entry (Worth Waiting For) on the 22nd day (Thursday, Aug 25) she called and hope was renewed.

This turn of events was so unexpected that I waited until Sunday to share the news with my friends, saying very briefly that she’d read my blog and realized that she’d lose me if she didn’t do something and that we were taking it all one step at a time. I got some confused responses, but mostly words of encouragement mixed with words to be cautious.

One dear friend, however, felt very strongly that I was making a colossal mistake and more than that, persisting in my sin by having anything to do with my beloved. A week before this, before either of us knew that my beloved was going to call me back, my dear friend had written an email that upset me because she was making it sound like I needed to get my life together before God would give me someone special to be in my life. I know that she just wanted to encourage me to follow the Lord but it sounded way too much like having someone special in ones life was a sign of God’s blessing and those of us without that special someone were obviously unworthy of that gift. Oh yeah, my dear friend recently announced her engagement with her wedding scheduled for November 5, 2005. The following is my response to both of her emails:

M,

Sorry it’s taken so long for me to respond to your last two emails. You know me, I like to take at least 24-hours to let things sink in before responding. So obviously this was important enough to me that I needed much more than the “regulation” 24-hours. I very much appreciate how deeply you feel for me and how much you care about my walk. What you first wrote you hit the nail on the head as far as my need to beware of the Enemy. He’s not my friend and he’s very determined to knock us all off our center with Jesus.

The next part of your email, however, troubled me. I know that your point is that we all need to be closer to Jesus and that we can’t get from these other things in our lives what we can get from our relationship with Jesus, namely a love that will never fail. The problem is/was that you made it sound like God’s timing is somehow connected to our performance: “Once you are strong enough to be the spiritual leader in your home God will bring you the wife you deserve – but NOT the way you are now!!!” My problem with this thinking is that my desire to follow Jesus needs to stand completely apart from whether I have someone in my life or not. I want to give my life to the Lord because of the love he’s already given to me, not because if I’m “good enough” he’ll give me a bride of my own. I’m looking for a new church home, for example, not because I need to find a church where I might meet someone, but because I need to plug into a fellowship where I can share what God has given to me and I can receive the guidance and support of the community of believers. If the Lord giving me a bride of my own is dependent on me achieving some level of spirituality or commitment than I’m doomed because, being the flawed human that I am, I will never be “good enough.” But I know that God gives to us and has already given to us, not because “we deserve” but because He has a Father’s love for us. I do because He loves me, not because I might get something out of it. As much as I want to have the love of a bride in my life, I’ve already received more than I deserve just in having His love in my heart. Period.

The other thing that bothered me is that I know the pain and heartache you felt as you struggled with not having someone in your life. And I know how much it bothered you when Lynn, within the comfort and security of her marriage, would lecture us about what singles needed to do so that God would bless them with a mate. But now that you’ve been blessed with someone in your life, you would tell me that the reason I don’t have someone in my life is because on some level I’m not good enough? I know that that is not your intention, but that’s how it translates to those of us still on the outside of the marriage circle. God gives because He loves us, not because we somehow deserve His gifts.

Then we come to the second email…. I agree that I don’t need the prior emotional roller-coaster in my life and it’s certainly not my hope to continue that pattern. I know that there is a lot about my behavior and my decision to give it another chance that is confusing to you. I know that it doesn’t take much to assume that I’m doing this because I’m desperate or wanting to have this relationship work so badly that I can’t see past it, etc. But that is just not the case. When I walked away on August 3rd I walked away completely and when I prayed to God about all of this it was never about me getting what I wanted out of this, but my heart just needed to know that He was going to work in her heart and that she would be released from her bondage. Period. I felt strongly enough about this that I wrote about it in my online journal.

So, when she called last week, number one, I was floored that she called (in part because it had been over 21 days since our last communication), and number two, I was afraid that I’d really screwed up because she said she called after reading my blog (online journal). And maybe this hasn’t been your experience, but as much as I had been hurt at the way things seemed to be, I wasn’t going to hide behind my hurt and not give her a chance to speak her mind when she called. Period.

Beyond that, my feeling is to take things one step at a time and yes, we’re both well aware that we’re not really “together” until her divorce goes through (she has a hearing date of October 24th). I’ve expressed my concerns to her and she’s shared what she needs and we both are pursuing what the Lord wants in our individual lives. I can’t “give it up” more than I already have and you’re mistaken if you think that I’m not aware that this is going to be a complete disaster if I try to “do it on my own.” As far as her making poor decisions in the past, etc., who among us have not made bad decisions? The thing is that I believe that I have seen into the core of her heart and i know the good in her and I know how that experience has led me to open my own heart to our Lord and if nothing comes of this beyond what I’ve already experience then that would be enough to convince me of the power of love and the goodness that I found in this woman’s heart. I am passionate and given to this because that is the kind of person I am, not because I am desperate or blind to the weaknesses that we both have in ourselves or our great need to ultimately anchor our lives and our love in the Author of Love. I have walked away before and if that’s what the Lord wants I can most certainly walk away again.

I apologize if you are offended that I have decided to give it yet another chance. I’m sorry that you can only see the very imperfect sinful beginnings under which this relationship began. I do remember a time not all that long ago when you saw into my heart and you said that you hoped that some day someone would love you with the same passion and devotion that you saw in me. Now that God has apparently answered your prayer with your beloved please don’t think less of me because I can still see the flame of love burning in my beloved’s heart and have chosen to add my flame to hers. Yes, it began in sin but the miracle of love is that God can take such wrong-headedness and make something beautiful and eternal. I’m sorry that all you can see is the sin where I see something pure and true, something that my beloved said was worth fight for.

I know that all you want is to see the Lord work in my life. I appreciate that and hope the same for you and your beloved. You know my heart, your words effect me because I want to be open to the Lord’s guidance. But that doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t even be in this position having my heart open to the Lord if it wasn’t for this imperfect love that opened up my heart in the first place. Please don’t judge me, but remember the heart that God has given to me and pray that i can continue to be true to His call in my life. Maybe it’s too much to ask you to understand my reasons or to not assume the worst of my reasons, just know that I look at all of this and am drawn to dig deeper, to find God’s truth in all of it.

much love,
JBB

music: nothing in this world – James hellings – sweetly broken