My best friend had her whole world fall apart in front of her when her semi-former boyfriend found a gift and messages she was sending to someone she was trying to reconnect with. The following is my (very long) reflection on what she’s facing from the POV of someone who’s been there:

hey babe… thursday evening… catching up on podcasts and trying figure out whether to keep Twitter on my blog (it really seems to be slowing down screen load times… can’t have that… ack). Anyway, i just re-read what Dan wrote to you after the afternoon from hell... There’s so much here that reminds me of the stupid things I’ve done (keep doing) over the years and how powerful all of this seems when it’s coming down (sigh). I don’t know, in the long run it’s really hard to tell what’s real and what’s just a lot of noise (and believe me, I’ve certainly generated a shitload of noise when it comes to this stuff). I’m just thinking that after having gone through what Dan describes in his letter and what I know you’re feeling for your former girlfriend right now… I’ve been there and it seems so weird to be where I seem to be right now.

I had to look at my phone’s call log to figure it out. My former love called but didn’t leave a message nine days ago, 3/20. Before that was our last conversation when she was driving back from her House of Blues weekend on 3/11. Our last conversation before that was February 15th. I know that there were some dark times in the first couple years when we would go for weeks without any real conversations, but there always seemed to be some link that connected us and just getting a single ring or “12” text message was enough to rekindle the hope of love that burned in my heart. I knew that even though we couldn’t talk that she was thinking what I was thinking and wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with her. And the power of that love changed my life and set me on the road that carried me through all of the disappointments and setback and heart-ache. I learned to cry a lot and learned to love everything about being alive. When I drove home after work I would cry as the sun set because I was driving in the wrong direction as far as where I really wanted to go.

So some time next week I’m supposed to call her after 45 days of being apart. Her birthday is coming up and I would really hate myself if I didn’t help her celebrate it but I don’t really know what to do. Like Dan wrote, I know that I’m a better person for having had this experience, but unlike him, I don’t think I have anything left to give and you can’t have a relationship or even a halfway decent friendship if you feel like you have nothing to give.

I mean, we went through three months with no real communication but then all it took was taking her out to dinner for her birthday last year and I was back into the whole thing of hoping and waiting and wanting. Alas, if she and I hadn’t met five years ago and were just now beginning to communicate it would probably work out okay because we’d both have no expectations and just be along for the ride. But as it is I can’t do with the “whenever” way of not being a real part of her life and I don’t blame her for not wanting to have to live up to the “investment” I’ve put into the relationship. There’s just no way that she can “payoff” what I’ve already done and it’s just not healthy to try to have a relationship where one party would always be beholden to me because I hung in there for five years. That ain’t gonna work. Fuck, I can’t even think about what I should get her for her birthday.

Hmmm, one year she “got” me a copy of one of her latest Journey CDs. Mind you I had to copy the CD onto my computer and then give it back to her. That was special. Let’s see, what’s the last thing I’ve purchased. I could make a copy of Sarah McLachlan’s Christmas CD. She’d like that… she always used to tease me about being so emotional and moody because, according to her, I spent too much time listening to my “lesbians” (McLachlan, Sheryl Crow and Alanis Morissette). Hmmm, that idea is making more sense all the time. Shit.

So, right now there is a lot of grief and difficult energy in the air for you. I can tell you that love isn’t about what you may or may not deserve (which is especially good when you’re feeling like you really fucked up). It is about digging deep and finding a way to be the best you that you can be and seeing the love all around you even if the one you want can’t share the vision with you. I “found God” because I saw through all the bullshit and unfulfilled promises to the One who is love. I’m trying like to hell to hang on to that, and I’m hoping that you grab hold of that hope so that you can see that it’s not dependent on someone giving you what you want. To quote St. John (Lennon), You already have what you need in your two hands… and in your heart. xoxox, jbb

Music: Into The Next Sun from the album “Behind The Music” by The Soundtrack Of Our Lives