7:15pm CompUSA, nay, some hours later outside the Costa mesa apple store. I’m still outside because was just talking to Juls and she had to pick up a call. And I was right in the middle of making a really big ass out of myself because I want more from our relationship than the current wishlng-and-hoping morsels that I’ve been getting. Fuck, I’m an idiot for a multitude of reasons. I have the misfortune of actually saying what I’m thinking and imagining that I can get away with that.

And now I can’t even talk to her… This sucks.

9:23 pm Long Beach. So, I am an idiot, but I am a lucky idiot. She loves me and somehow in the middle of all this we manage to always come back to that. We’re lucky that way in that we always manage to find a way to communicate. I don’t know how I’d survive if it weren’t for her honesty and openness with me and willingness to hear me out. In the end all that matters is that she loves me. I can live with that. Or more correctly, I need that to live.

In other news, my throat is still “problematic” and I can’t talk for very long before it tires. It was also pretty frustrating on the computer front. I took the day off and instead of resting I decided that I needed to test my 19″ monitor on my Mac G4. That was the last step in converting over my former PC desktop system to being Laurel’s birthday gift. I wanted to give her one my 17″ monitors but I needed to make sure that the 19″ would be able to replace it. Alas, no matter what I tried the 19″ just wouldn’t cooperate. So I contacted Apple Care and the technician stepped me through several attempts to isolate the problem. In the end she suggested I find another Q4 to attach the monitor to so that I can determine whether it’s a video card problem, a problem with my monitor or some more basic Mac incompatibility. That’s how I ended up in Costa Mesa.

My first choice was Mac Fusion in Signal Hill but I never got a call back to find out if I could test my monitor with one of their systems. Then I tried CompUSA and they were worse, suggesting that I bring my computer over to be tested, which would take several days versus letting me bring in the monitor that I already had in my car, connect it to one of their G4s. test it and possibly buy a video card from them. But that must have just too damn simple. The store manager actually said (once I tracked her down) that they couldn’t do that because it would effect their network. What an idiot. The Macs aren’t connected to anything. While I was waiting in the Mac area one of the floor grunts asked if I needed any help and when I grumbled that the pinheads were in the back deciding on whether I could test my monitor he called them idiots and had his own story of how these mental midgets couldn’t recognize an opportunity if it hit ’em on the ass. So that’s how I ended up at the Costa Mesa Apple Store. Ugh.

In the end the monitor ran In the store but they didn’t have a PCI card on hand (but they did have a copy of SmartSound’s MovieMaestro that I wanted for my Mac). So on the way home an unplanned trip to Fry’s yielded the desired ATI card (a bit more than the quoted $99 price, but then I wouldn’t be paying for shipping… rash generalization in progress). So, I guess I’m going to keep both 17″ monitors, and the 19″er and my niece will have to do with my aging 15″ that I was using at school. Ack. I am so weird… I know. But she’s getting a P3 733MHz system, 20GB hard disk, HP CD-bumer, 10/100 Ethernet nic, new intemal modem (her folks are still on dial-up), and new optical mouse. Not bad for a birthday gift I’d think (even with the smallish hard disk, older CD-burner, and aging monitor). Ok, still lots to do, but right now It’s time to sleep.

Oh yeah, the conversation with Juls ended well I think. I think I got my point across about the “wishing and hoping” stage we’re in could last forever but I can’t. That hoping that Dan will do something or waiting for him to do “A,” “B,” or “0” isn’t going to get It done. We even got a chance to talk about our favorite memories of our last times together and remembering each other’s bodies. That was nice. It was also nice that we talked about, besides missing our physical intimacy, how much we wanted to share our spiritual intimacy. That was the best way for our conversation and head into the weekend. I love her so much. JBB