I got in trouble with a friend when I wrote some unflattering things about him because he felt that my friends would think that’s the way he really is. Granted, it can’t feel very good to get slammed in a blog (at the time the blog wasn’t public and it was mostly an exercise in talking to myself out loud), but this does point to a problem with people thinking that what gets written in blogs has something to do with reality. Frankly, that just isn’t the case. There are at least two reasons why blogs rarely reflect reality.My blogging originally was a way to work through a difficult time in my life, so what I wrote about was very much about my emotional state. Someone reading my blog would have thought that all I did day and night was moan about my relationship woes. And quite frankly, at the time, surviving the rest of my life was helped greatly because I was able to off-load the emotional turmoil I was in. So, it was never about creating a written-record of my daily life. And now even though the blog is much more “general” in nature, it’s still very much about stuff that gets to me to the point where I feel the need to write about it. Actually, right now the thing that most effects what I write about is just having the time to write. I don’t know about other bloggers and writers, but it tends to take me several hours, or more to write most of my blogs. I know that the livejournal/blogger crowd tends to have this “record it as it happens” kind of jibe, but that’s just not the case for me. So, the view is skewed and things get left out that are much more important in my life than it would appear to be based on my “blog coverage.” And then there’s stuff that I wasn’t able to write about when it was happening, like the last few twists and turns with my relationship with my former love.

So three weeks ago I sent the following message to family and friends:

Kind’a like watching the birds fly south, it’s that time for joe to re-evaluate “Life” before the beginning of another school-year. So, you-know-who & I had a good conversation last night, but ended agreeing that her need to protect her new-found freedom doesn’t work so well w/ my need to have something that looks more like a “relationship” than a casual friendship. I very much support her need to be on her own w/o a “boy-friend” meddling in her business. this is where she’s at & it’s appropriate. I just need to have something more stable than that right now. your prayers are appreciated. jbb

First off, I should know better than to issue a “press release” about the state of my relationship less than twenty-fours after making a decision because things rarely remain as “decided” for very long. Ack. This one lasted from about 11 p.m. Thursday night (9/7) to 7 a.m. Saturday morning (9/9), about 32 hours. It started with a 🙁 text message at 6:41 a.m., and ended with us crying and holding one another and falling asleep in each others arms through most of the following afternoon. I had a family gathering to attend that evening, after which she came back over and we spent the night together.

I’m still not sure how any of this happened, but I know that there was a big part of me that was dying without her in my life. And, of course, the promise re-kindled that afternoon and night has been severely tested in the intervening days and weeks, because many of the issues that led to the “decision” still remain to be worked out. But isn’t that the way that life is, I have something with someone worth all of the pain, tears and frustrations that touches me all the way done to the core of my being that I experience all too infrequently while the rest of life is spent trying to work through all of the things that would get in the way of those few moments of bliss and not succumb to the pressures that seem to want to wear us all down and steal the beauty from our hearts.

Then toward the end of one of those weeks when I really just wanted to give up and throw it all away she text-messaged me, “I’m single.” Uhhh, she had meeting at court that her lawyer had suggested postponing because they thought it was going to be another “get nothing done” waste of time. But they ended up in front of the judge and the judge summarily pronounced the divorce final. Period. Holy Shit! Thank God she didn’t go with the lawyer’s suggestion to postpone. That was a very cool day. Without bothering to explain what had happened since my last message I sent out the following message:She finally free

You-know-who’s divorce was pronounced today, we’re going 2 celebrate 2night, thank u for all your prayers & love… 1 step forward…. 🙂 jbb

That was a fun day. Then “reality” rolled back in and we had to get back to the business of life. Mom called out of the blue and when I said something about the divorce being final she quipped, “I thought you’d broken up?” Ha, so did I… Shows you what I know. Alas, as much as we’d love for it all to be “fairy tale” and fun-filled, if one is going to live with ones emotional eyes opened it’s going to be a struggle and it’s going to take a great deal of effort. That’s why so many settle for something less and live less than what they’re capable of experiencing. I have no excuses for doing less than my best and so I shuffle onward and refuse to give up the dream. As much as some would like life to be all about relaxing on the couch staring at a blaring TV, I’m about much more than that. But whatever you do, don’t confuse these few words with the life lived, it’s only the stuff that gets to me to the point of writing about whether I can find the time to get the thoughts down in words. JBB

music: It’s So Easy from the album “C’mon C’mon” by Sheryl Crow