Thoughts on the way to church (it isn’t a “short drive”)… my mind was floating around last week’s “kinship”/worship at M’s place. She was really happy about how things went. From her email it seems like a lot of this assessment came from how she felt about our conversation before the “study” when we were talking about her relationship confusion and I gave her a big hug and then the night ended for her listening to her son and a friend playing worship music in her living room as she fell asleep. I felt a bit differently about the night. In that it almost began with only her and I and her son was a bit difficult (she counted a possible 15 attendees). Ack. Then when going through the music with Joey, Marilyn’s son, he couldn’t follow my strumming. I later told J that I hadn’t even thought about that kind of problem, but it was really tough to get into it with him struggling to follow. Ack. Then there was the part that I’ve been missing the most since Chris left: having a real Bible study. Thus, we had a pretty good time coming into the Lord’s presence but without the sharing of the Word it felt a bit like clamoring to get to a clearing in a forest only to find no real rest there. I don’t know. I know that that I need something a bit more systematic and comprehensive than “So… does anyone have anything to share from this past week?” This is especially true with the ad hoc group of relative strangers that gathered on Thursday.

Alas, that got me to thinking about how long it’d been since I’d “fed myself.” This past week I’ve really been on the run and I’ve spent time reading but not enough time meditating and studying. Ugh. I have spent a good amount of time either on my knees or with my continual self-talk directed God-ward. That was a bit of a defensive thought. I then thought of the analogy about how long I could survive without hearing J’s voice and as much as that is a lifeline to me, what I really need is to live in her presence, to be a part of her life. The continual God-ward self-talk is like our phone calls which I can never get enough of (even if we’re just hanging on the phone pretending to work). To actually be with her is like spending time in meditation with the Word. I need one continually but I cannot go very long without the other, and lots of both is best.

Right now I’ve drawn the attention of the Worship Team leader (we’re tentatively meeting Monday to chat), so I don’t really know where the Lord is leading as far as this need for more”meat” in our kinship group and I’m most aware of not over-committing myself (especially in view of beginning the doctorate in July) but I do want to do what I’ve been called to do. Ack. I guess we’ll see what happens.

Current Music: Thank U – Alanis Morissette – Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie