How is it that in less than two-minutes this video encapsulates the basic communication land mines that complicate relationships and how women look for something completely different versus men when they are really trying to bare their souls? This would also be the hill upon which my first and only marriage died over twenty-five years ago. Enjoy(?).

I’m sorry, but that last bit makes me laugh. There must be something wrong with me. On a more depressing note, I was thinking about my last relationship, trying to figure out what went wrong, how something so amazing could go “poof” so thoroughly. I mean, in comparison to I can’t tell you how many of my previous relationships that had gaping flaws written all over them, this one was pretty damn perfect. This isn’t to attempt to assign blame or to pretend that either of the participants weren’t … well, flawed. I’m just looking for a way to learn from this experience so that I can attempt to do better next time, assuming there is a next time. [sigh]

Maybe the flaw was that on some level we were too compatible and it was initially just too easy. I know that this is pretty much heretical for me to contemplate, but is it possible to be too compatible? How can that even be a problem? Given the crap that I know others suffer from each other in the name of love this almost sounds like crap itself. But we began with very few assumptions, and found it completely natural to share pretty much anything and everything from the beginning. It was fun, it felt natural and there was nothing threatening about being together. We were both very accommodating by nature, willing to talk about almost anything and took great strides to try to listen to each other when things felt amiss. What challenges there were didn’t come from being together but came from how to deal with family issues like my father’s passing or supporting family members between jobs. Well, then my illness turned everything on its head, but then it wasn’t the illness per se.

Both of us fell into roles, trying to do our best to get through this, along the way making decisions that seemed necessary at the time but were beyond what we were ready for and consequently we gave up things that we really needed. There were no real fights, no raised voices, no ultimatums. But we slowly let go of things that we separately and both needed to keep the relationship healthy. Well, for my part, I was occupied with trying to keep my job while trying to get as much sleep as possible because sleep was the only escape from the pain that was continuously with me. And she tried to pick up all of the other slack left in my disappearance beneath the pile of pillows I surrounded myself with under the covers. Besides the narrowing of my input into our lives she had all the rest of her life to deal with. Not too surprisingly, it eventually became to be too much and while we were accepting and accommodating on the surface, a lot of resentment was building underneath.

Would the story have been different had we spent more time having to fight for what we needed in the beginning, instead of so easily sliding into such a comfortable relationship? Had there been a bigger trial period in the beginning would I have spoken up sooner (or at all) to fight for what I needed and what I thought our relationship needed? I don’t ask this to second guess what was or to wish that it hadn’t been what it was. It was an amazing journey for as long as it lasted and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m just trying to understand.

We said in the beginning that the secret to our relationship was that we got out of our own way, let go of our expectations and lists and just let it happen. And boy, it sure did, wonderfully, perfectly, lovingly. And maybe that’s the secret to moving on, to get out of my own way and not pretend to be able to wrap things up into some easily digestible “truth” and just own who I am, strive to be better and appreciate the time I had with someone equally as “special.” Relationships, “boy howdy, what can I say…”