JBB’s Final Thoughts Episode 29: An Unlikely Refuge in a Time of Madness

New Year and remembering a previous way that I handled out of control love.

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JBB’s Final Thoughts Episode 29: An Unlikely Refuge in a Time of Madness

There was a time, not very long ago, when I loved someone with every fiber of my being who wasn’t in the position to really return the favor. There was just enough encouragement for me to entertain that our stolen afternoons making out in our cars would some day become an actual “real” relationship. Thus, I insanely kept at it for more than a few seasons, trying to make this love real, even as it became clear that once she was free of her then-relationship that she was not going to be at all interested in making a commitment to being with me. I call this time my period of insanity. I am ever thankful for the two friends whom I routinely unloaded my pent-up frustrations. One of them no longer talks to me. Ugh. The other I seem to have brief flings with about every 10-years. Odd. But one unforeseen refuge during all of this was my binge watching of the Star Trek series, Deep Space Nine. What? Yeah, not anyone’s first choice.

I already loved the series, given its grittier feel, with none of the main characters really getting along in the first couple of seasons. Given that the series couldn’t really resort to the “alien of the week” scenarios of other Star Trek series, more emphasis fell on the interactions of the main characters and the evolving relationships that developed. Then in the last couple of seasons an unrequited love scenario was explored, just as I was helplessly pining for my own love, and I found myself crying my eyes out as the characters confessed their love and then sacrificed it for higher purposes. I really couldn’t stand it, that they got a taste of what I longed for, and then let it go because they needed to attend to higher callings. Damn it. That was unexpected and difficult to watch. Granted, this was at a time when all it took was a beautiful California sunset to reduce me to tears as I drove home… alone.

Eventually I ran out of episodes, the characters moved on and I hung in there a few more years hoping that our elicit kisses would become something more… Yeah, I was that insane. The reason I’m bringing all of this up is that I was reminded of all of this when I finished binge watching the series again a few weeks ago. I don’t know what insanity the series creators were going through but it really spoke to my unsatisfied passions. Actually, this recent rewatching brought me back to those extended moments of insanity and unrealized desire. Usually I watch sci-fi to escape the pressures of my real life (as an educator), but this was a case where this fictional world tapped into the part of my real life that was completely killing me and I never got what I so desperately longed for. I knew that it wasn’t going to end well for me, but just like the characters in the series, I was going to be okay in this unexpected new reality. I didn’t end up with the girl, but I was going to be okay and there was no saying that the future wouldn’t be even more amazing than what had just happened. Somehow I needed to integrate these experiences into who I was, learn whatever I could from the experience(s) and still work toward my better self. I might not be part wormhole alien running an orbital city in a far distant region of space, but I have to respect the gifts I’ve been given, honor the precious connections I’ve had with my fellow travelers, and share my narrative with other fellow travelers to help them on their own journeys. I was an insane babbling idiot who now babbles a bit less these days. Thank you Deep Space Nine for speaking to my babbling heart and helping me through my period of insanity.

Thank you for spending this time with me at JBB’s Final Thoughts. If you want to continue to participate in my outer monologue you can subscribe to my blog at http://jbbsfinalthoughts.com, scroll to the bottom of the page, click on the FOLLOW button where it says “Follow Blog via Email” and enter your email address. You can also subscribe to my YouTube channel, just search for JBB’s Final Thoughts (and make sure it doesn’t auto-correct to “jobs final thoughts”… damn auto-correct!). Catch you later, enjoy.