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Introduction: Only one year after the horribly unsuccessful Men & Marriage in the 80s: USER’S MANUAL I was back at it with another attempt at satire. This time there were lots of references to votive candles and chapel, so in 1986 I was still toying the notion that I could pray myself out of the escalating difficulties listed in the document. I was also channeling how intense final week could be with papers and final exams and little to no sleep. At the same time, by the time I was writing this I was working full time with the company, working nights, so that sleepless existence also colored this attempt at sardonic humor. The final irony was that after all of this poorly masked contemplation on what education inflicts on us, I spent 28-years as an educator unintentionally doing this exact thing to generations of students. Ugh. Actually, remembering these experiences, not getting an “A” in one of my classes meant that you worked at not completing any assignments. Having a pulse and putting in an effort was all that was required, not that I’m bitter or anything… Enjoy! 2024-03-11.
Emergency Study Kit for New College Students:
USER’S MANUAL
By Joseph Bustillos
COPYRIGHT NOTICE
Copyright ©1986 by Joseph B. Bustillos. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. This publication has been provided pursuant to an agreement between the author and himself containing restrictions on its use by uneducated persons or those posing as uneducated persons. No part of this publication may be copied or distributed, transmitted, transcribed, stored in a retrieval system (such as Phydeaux 1000), or’ translated into any human or computer language, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, magnetic, manual, metaphysical, quasi-physical, supralapsarian, or otherwise, or disclosed to third parties without the express written permission of Joseph B. Bustillos, Fullerton, California U.S.A. This is a publication of Boring Communications, a division of Last Minute Productions.
TRADEMARKS
Any trademarks contained herein, are purely coincidental and if pressed the author will claim innocent by reason of insanity.
DISCLAIMER
Joseph B. Bustillos makes no representation or warranties with respect to the contents hereof and specifically disclaims any implied warranties or merchantability or fitness for any particular purpose. Further, Joseph B. Bustillos reserves the right to revise this publication and to amek make changes from time to time in the context hereof without obligation of Joseph B. Bustillos to notify any person, including himself, or organization of such revision or changes.
Table of Contents
- Introduction
- List of Kit Contents
- Description and Usage of Kit Contents
- Good Buys
- Order/Complaint Form
1. INTRODUCTION
Back somewhere in the primordial oozings of Medieval Europe mankind devised a form of torture and annihilation that was more feared by the youth of that time than the 100 Years War or the prospects of being the only Jew in a Spanish village. Knowledge. The Continent was thirsty for knowledge. But the Church, in its ever understanding position, did not want to shield the populace from cost of such an indulgence and thus proposed that each and every student under her tutelage be subjected to a ritual. This ritual was designed, first, to determine if the prospective student was worthy of the gifts of education and knowledge. Secondly, it was designed to demonstrate the Church’s willingness that Europe be educated (some said the Church’s Unwillingness those wise souls burn brightly in the history of education and religion . . . but that’s another story). And finally, it was designed to pass the time while they waited for the coming Renaissance and Reformation (another hot time for young scholars and students).
It was the feared word to the ears of each student. It was the first word that they heard when they enrolled and the last word that they would hear before graduation (should they be luck enough to last that long). The Ritual began thusly: the purchasing of the blue parchments at the student Union building, the appearance of the Proctor in the front of the classroom with a stack of dittoed death under his arm, the tight and twisted gnawing of the gut knowing that the next ninety minutes of your life would determine if you would become that world renowned doctor of proctology that you had always dreamed of becoming or whether you’d be forced to go back to your father’s farm to a life of raking up the olives leaves and doing the dishes (yeah, the real world!) then comes those dreaded words:
“Class, it’s time for your test.”
There’s a faint nauseous smell, then a darkening of the sky. Finally the ground around you roars and shakes and opens its hot mouth to receive your young body. You find yourself falling, falling, falling further into the endless chasm, into the darkness of the educational system. There isn’t a thing you can do to end this destructive descent into the pit of the earth. Just when it turns blackest you laugh, thinking that you had intended to defend yourself against this giant with the pitiful flyswatter of a sword (i.e., the five minutes of studying that you did before the proctor arrived). “Never again,” you hear yourself say, “Never again.”
Such was the fate of many a student back then. Such is the fate of many a student today. It is sad. Wasted lives litter the Burger Kings and bowling alleys of America. All needlessly lamenting their demise and educational destruction. If only they had armed themselves with the Emergency Study Kit for New College Students this wouldn’t have happened. Fortunately for you, my dear one, either someone has been kind enough to forward this great gift to you or you have wisely gifted yourself with it, hoping to drive a stake into the heart of that demon executioner, THE FINAL EXAM (other Kits are available for Midterms and Term Projects from Boring Communications. a division of Last Minute Productions).
So, read on and be wise.
2. LIST OF KIT CONTENTS
The following is a list of the contents of the Emergency Study Kit for New College Students: (not included in this demo manual!)
- One box of Barnum’s Animals Crackers from Nabisco (2 oz., sold by weight and not by volume)
- One Cheez’n Crackers Handi-Snacks from Kraft (3/8 oz., sold by age and not height)
- One Vita-Fresh Strawberry Shortcake Chewable Vitamin C (250 mg., 100 tablets, sold by intelligence and not by usefulness)
- One Faber-Castell Textliner (fluorescent, as opposed to transluscent)
- One box of Crayola Jumbo Crayons (“The Big Crayon For Little Fingers,” 8 Large)
- One package of Carrousel Relighting Party Candles (10 pieces 20 counting the wicks)
- One box of NoDoz from Bristol-Myers (36 tablets, 100 mg Caffeine each)
- One “Final Solution” (gun with two projectiles)
- One “Transformers” Lunch box and thermos
3. DESCRIPTION AND USAGE OF KIT CONTENTS
The following is a description and discussion of the usage of the contents of the Emergency Study Kit for New College Students:
A. Studying can be described as the process of ingesting a multitude of unneeded data (at least from the prospective of everyone attempting to live a normal life, which of course excludes teachers and proctors). This seems to be a rather unnatural process note how the mind immediately expels the repulsive data (generally just before the exam for which it was ingested). Thus the animal crackers are needed to teach the mind the art of ingesting junk data. The more it is patterned to the mind, the more it becomes a habit formed in the mind’s behavior. Thus, the mind is taught to load itself up and to retain the needless data at least until the exam is taken. If this exercise is practiced religiously the mind can be duped into actually enjoying the process of studying (though caution should be advised)1
B. Studying on an empty stomach is a definite no-no. Once the mind has been patterned to ingest needless data the unwary student often forgets the needs of the body. This is especially true on those late nights before the Final Exam when one would want to avoid breaking the concentration unnecessarily. Thus, at least for starters, a package of Kraft’s Cheez’n Crackers Handi-Snacks just hits the spot. (Later in one’s college career something along the lines a bag of NutterButter Peanut Butter Sandwich Cookies, 13 1/2 oz. size, might be more appropriate). Enjoy, this is all that life has to offer!
C. In the interest of keeping the mind alert, the juices flowing, the heart palpitating with energy, one needs to kick- start the body every once in awhile with a Vita-Fresh Strawberry Shortcake Chewable Vitamin C tablet. Nine out of ten geologists recommend Vita-Fresh Strawberry Shortcake Chewable Vitamin C tablets over the rest. Have a tab and smile!
D. There you are. It’s two-forty-five in the morning. You are feverishly going over your notes on the economic policies of the Taft administration for your class on Reaganomics. Then quite suddenly, somewhere between 1945 and 1952, your highlighter gives up the ghost. What are you going to do? Rifle through through your sleeping roommates desk? Little chance of finding anything useful in there. (Your roommate has been able to keep his/her educational pursuits afloat with a never-ending series of affairs with his/her/its professors. Best to not touch anything that your roommate has touched). So where do you turn? The rational world went to sleep four hours ago!
Suddenly you remember, “I have a Emergency Study Kit for New College Students, which contains one Faber-Castell Textliner!” (Provided, of course, that your no-good roommate has not used it to highlight potential dates from the New Student Directory). You find your kit and open it. The gods be praised! You grab your new Faber-Castell Textliner and dive back into your study of Reaganomics. You are caught by a poignant thought, “Supply and demand met. The tickle down theory works! I’ve got to find a Republican and tell him it works!” Then you think, “Naw … it was just a coincidence.”
E. It is now a quarter to six in the morning. Things have gotten a bit more complicated in the Reaganomics study section. How to decrease the deficit, increase military spending, not cut domestic programs and not increase taxes is giving your Faber-Castell Textliner conniption fits. What’s a young student to do? Your friends and classmates may abandon the faith and become Democrats or Libertarians or Communists or (horror of horrors) Left-wing Evangelicals, but not you. You’ve got the Emergency Study Kit for New College Students! The makers of the Emergency Study Kit for New College Students (published by Boring Communications, a division of Last Minute Productions) have wisely foreseen just such a moment. “Why not let the students do it the same way as the professionals up on Capitol Hill?” they thought to themselves. And so, when it comes to those tough questions of governmental policy and economic reform, you’ve been equipped with the same tool used by the Reagan administration: your very own box of CRAYOLA JUMBO CRAYONS! Doesn’t that just bring a tear to your eyes? Only in America! Now you to can write about wanting to end the proliferation of Nuclear Armaments and at the same time set off bombs in the Nevada desert. You can write about the importance of education to the future of America and at the same time not only cut the 1/10 of 1 percent of the Federal budget spent on educational grants but also pressure NASA to launch a teacher into space just before your state of the union address (opps, one less educator to feed). And then . . . where was I? Oh yeah, with your CRAYOLA CRAYONS even the most absurd ideas and policies become crystal clear to the simplest of minds. What a great life!
F. It is now ten minutes to eight in the morning. On the way to your first exam you duck into the campus chapel to light some vesper candles. Only instead of lighting the simple little candles provided for you (which will only blow out when you turn your back what kind of protection is that?!), you quickly remove a Carrousel Relighting Party Candle from your Emergency Study Kit for New College Students. Placing it among the other candles you light it, say a quick Act-of-Contrition and rush off to class confident that your prayers have been heard. Just before you leave the chapel you quickly go back to the vesper candles and put another lit Carrousel Relighting Party Candle in the rack. Off to class you go. You can never have too much protection when taking an exam on Reaganomics. And you got just the right protection from your Emergency Study Kit for New College Students.
G. Second day of Exams and each teacher seems to think that he/she is an island unto themselves. Thirty-two hours without any sleep, you’re back in your room attempting to study the Medieval Concept of pin-dancing which is beginning to sing a lullaby to your eyes. You have only got one unbroken Crayola Crayon, your Faber-Castell Textliner has long been tossed into the educational graveyard in the center of your room. Do you give up? No, you’ve got an Emergency Study Kit for New College Students which is equipped with a box of NoDoz tablets for just this moment. Taking twenty-five of the thlrty-slx tablets you fire through the Middle Ages with the agility, grace and presence of mind as an Eighteen wheeler shot from hell. Yeah, gimme your Erasmus and Mephistophiles, I’ll turn ’em Into Dick and Jane. Yeah, this Is EDUCATION!
H. Fourth day of exams. You slept through the third day of exams (exhausted from Medieval Reaganomics) and didn’t have time to study for your class on “Tensions In the Middle East and the Shnoz Wars.” There seems to be little that you can do. Visions of Burger Kings and bowling alley cascade across your whimpering brain. But wait, this class grade Is heavily determined by class participation not rote memorization (thank god for modern teaching techniques)! And once again the Emergency Study Kit for New College Students comes to the rescue. In Its Infinite wisdom, the makers of the Emergency Study Kit for New College Students (a publication of Boring Communications, a division of Last Minute Productions) have provided just such a solution to this particular dilemma: the “Final Solution.” Show up for the exam In your class on “Tensions In the Middle East and the Shnoz Wars” wearing your khakis and sunglasses and your Emergency Study Kit for New College Students. When the professor attempts to give you an exam sheet take out your “Final Solution” dart gun, shoot the first projectile at him and the next one at yourself, all the while screaming death to the Fascist System of Education. That ought to give you an Instant “A”.
4. GOOD BUYS
Hey, we at Boring Communications cover all of the bases. We also cover all of the basses or basis. But in the ridiculous possibility that there is something that we neglected to cover or a situation we failed to provide an answer for, please let us know by using the enclosed problem/reorder sheet. We’re here to meat your need (and to make a buck). Happy studying and good luck!
Original Epson Ink-Jet version:
JoeBustillos.com (website) by Joseph Bruce Bustillos is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License
- Studies have shown that over-use of this process can lead to the debilitating condition Miscellaneous Travitalous Terminous, or MTT, a condition which begins with the harmless obsession with reading cereal boxes for hours, then the nutritional listings on the wrappers of Big-Mac from MacDonnalds, slowly working ones way up to the liner notes of old Beatle albums. In the end it is death by Information Overload. If the malady can be caught in time and the patient properly rehabilitated then such a one can look forward to a life as a TV game show host. Remember: You’ve been warned![↩]
