So… I haven’t heard from my love since Monday, I’ve sent a few “status” messages… And no response would generally mean that nothing has “changed.” Fuck. I guess that proves everyone right, as in the friends who had wanted me to go for the “hard silence” some time ago. In that I’ve gone on record with my love that a month to make the call is reasonable, I guess the next hurdle will be whether she is able to “act” by then. I mean, I really can’t afford to sit about with “bated breath.” Then again, it could all be just too much to expect she may just give up ’cause it is too much.

I felt like sending an encouraging message to her this morning. Then Pastor John went on about sexual immorality and I was left feeling that I was going against everything with everything I’ve wanted. It is a weird position to be in to know that just the fact that I’m going to church and wanting to pursue my relationship with the Lord is a direct result of falling in love with my love, but being in love with her and wanting to be a part in her life because I’ve been under the delusion that being in her life would bring her happiness … all of that is wrong because it’s wrong for her to leave her dead marriage. Period. So even the hope of her leaving her husband is wrong. I can only pray for a revival of a relationship in which she never loved him the way she’s already loved me. I have a hard time with that. But if that’s what God wants I am powerless to do anything about it.

I have been praying for them. JBB