ADI REPORTER’S BEAT: "GOD ON LINE TWO ..."

Intro: 2024-02-27. At first I thought that the genesis of this story had to be related to personal trauma connected to failed efforts getting my Masters in Theology from Fuller Seminary, but the truth is that in April 1987 Oral Roberts was in the news having said that the $8-million contributions received from his followers prevented him from going “home” to heaven.¹ My fiction just added the details as to how Roberts got the message from the Almighty, leaning on my experience in the telephone industry. Enjoy.

ADI REPORTER’S BEAT: “GOD ON LINE TWO …”

April 1987 ADI Vol. 1, Issue 1. Reverend Oral Roberts came down from his prayer tower last week and reported that God was quite pleased with the 6 million dollars that the people had raised. That was the good news. The bad news was that He was going to need a million or two more to cover an old gambling debt. Now, the first question that made it’s way into this reporter’s mind, as I’m sure all concerned Americans asked themselves, was what kind of communications system did Rev. Roberts use in his conversation with God. After some semi-quick thinking I realized that this sounded like a question that my local telecommunications specialists at Spacific Bell could answer.

After my call was bounced around the local phone company business office a few times I was finally pawned off to the staff clerk in charge of handling stupid questions from the media, Ms. Eunice liiinean.

Following a mini phone company commercial, sputtering such New Age telelingo as “being can do-do people who strive for Progress Intelligently Panned,” she got around to answering my question.

“Of course Rev. Roberts has his own private satellite comm-link to the Big Man Upstairs,” Ms . Ininean stated. “But, we at Spacific Bell could easily facilitate such a telecommunications project with our newly developed CananString 2000 fiber optic system.”

While disappointed in not handling the Robert’s account she noted that Spacific Bell was working on plans of implementing such a system for a local minister, Rev. Rob Shoelourdes. “We’re having some difficulty figuring out whether we’ll be able to use this stockpile of glass he seems to have lying around,” She indicated. “But we’re positive things will work out.” [ADI]