Adrift

“The same is true of ships. They are very big and are driven by strong winds. Yet, by using small rudders pilots steer ships wherever they want them to go.” James 3:4

I’ve been adrift for some time. And I’m by no means at all sure of my course, location or destination. But in the smallest possible, possibly meaningless way, I felt a small wisp of hope Friday.

I don’t know how others go from tragedy, to disappointment, to failure, and still come out praising god and proclaiming that all is right in the universe. I go through the minor inconvenience of loneliness and seemingly persistent unanswered prayers to find meaning in a mate, and I’m pitched in the direction of not being able to hear His voice at all. I hate the notion that my core philosophy on life and spirituality is so dependent whether my social invisibility and lack of any intimacy in my life gets the better of me or not. How can the truth of ones life be so entirely self-centered? I don’t know. An e-harmonette from two years ago contacted me last week, and Friday she agreed to meet me for coffee Sunday afternoon. She preferred the afternoon ’cause she has a Bible study in the evening. Sometime after that conversation and listening to the late Mark Heard I remembered a small touch of hope I’d seemed to have lost.

I don’t have any illusions beyond finally meeting this friend and possibly finding someone to share my long neglected love of sushi with. But that was enough for me to actually entertain the possibility of going to church this next Sunday, or maybe even learn a few Mark Heard songs. It scares me that I can toy with the idea that Faith is largely delusion and then decide that life is still okay, just ’cause an attractive brunette returned my call. Obviously this story is far from done. jbb